Three years have passed

Introduction

At lunchtime on May 19, 2023, I was going for a short bike ride in the mountains, at 2:21 PM, my Apple Watch called the emergency number. That call saved my life. I was lying badly injured and unconscious on a slope next to a forest road in the mountains, north of Oslo. About an hour later, I was found by a rescue team and brought to the hospital.

Three years have passed.

Yes, three years have passed since my life unexpectedly took a completely different turn, a turn that has changed my life, changed my then expectations for the life that lay ahead of me in a way I never saw coming.

Today I am well on my way to both understanding and accepting what has happened. I learned about my injuries, received a lot of help in understanding the consequences of the injuries that have led me to struggle with various cognitive challenges and brain fatigue, and that this is "normal" after a head injury, and that I am not alone in feeling and experiencing these types of challenges. And I will say, today, knowing this, my life has in a way become “much easier to navigate because I no longer blame myself for feeling different.”

Yes, that's right. For the first long time after what happened, I felt like I had changed, that I no longer behaved "normally," that I was different. That I no longer fit into my usual role, fit into what others expected of me. I was different! And because I didn't understand why, I started to blame myself for being different, I was angry with myself for what I felt and my behavior.

Thinking back

The first year after the fatal incident, I felt an immense darkness envelop me, a desperate desire to get my "old" life back, to get back on track with the rest of my life, to become "normal" again. It took a long time before I realized that the life I had would never return.

All the help I received after coming to Sunnaas Hospital taught me to understand my challenges, to start accepting them. In addition to the professional help, I met other people in similar situations, and it changed the way I saw myself, made me stop blaming myself.

That's when it happened, I realized that I had been lucky, I had been given a new opportunity to reshape my life, that I was "normal", yes, I have some challenges that I had to learn to adapt to, but I now had the opportunity to choose to live in a way where I could be of value to others who had been through similar life challenges. That my "bad" experience could be used for something positive.

I chose to look forward

When I chose to look forward and accept what had happened, my life blossomed again. Now, when I look back, I can say that over the past year and a half, a lot of positive things have happened to me, new opportunities have appeared, new people have come into my life, people who have brightened my life, who have helped me understand that I did nothing wrong, that I am not alone, that a brain injury is an invisible thing, that others have a hard time understanding.

What happened three years ago will forever be a part of my life. Some scars will never go away. Both mental and physical scars will be a part of my life going forward. It may sound strange, but I carry these scars with pride, because they have helped shape me into who I am today.

When I look back now I see all the beauty that has come out of those three years, that has overcome the pain, brighten up the darkness. I believe I am a better person today because of what happened.

Lesson learned

Was it all good? I think it depends on how you choose to look at the things. Let me try to sum up.

The accident wasn't that, it's hard not to say, but it forced me to evaluate my life, gave me the opportunity to reflect on where it had led me, the path I was on, gave me the opportunity to change course, to choose a new and so far a amazing path, a new and bright journey into the unknown, made me stronger than I have ever been to face the challenges that will come.

I was grounded, forced to retire from work. When it happened I felt like it was a terrible slap in the face, and it was. The grief that followed had been hard to overcome, and still is in a way, but again, I am well on my way to finding new opportunities that give my life meaning again.

My huge passion, mountain biking, was hanging by a thread, it hurt. For me, cycling was not just a physical need, but more of a mental need. On a bike in the mountains I relax, it was my happy place, so it was hard to fear that I wouldn't be able to cycle again the way I wanted, to I realize that I just need to do things differently. I accepted that I had to change my expectations of what cycling was for me before. So I bought an eMTB, and the bad change to something amazing, I was back in the mountains on a bike, and it was so fun. Why didn't I try an e-bike sooner...😁

My social life was scattered all over the floor, it had disappeared into the darkness, it felt terribly unfair, people I had trusted, people I had loved, those I thought I had meant something to, disappeared. At first it was bad, but then I realize that they probably lost more than me, I let it go, understood that not all people are meant to walk by your side throughout your life, that sometimes the horizon changes, and you decide to choose other paths, and that's okay, I meet new people who look at the same horizon as me, walk the same path together, the ones who actually matter in my life.

And now, I realize that I cannot let the pain of what has happened to me rule my life, because if I do, I rob myself of the opportunity to remember the good that has happened to me, the memories of the beautiful moments in both the life that is behind me and the opportunity to experience the good things that are to come.

So yes, when I look back on the past few years and realize where I am today, I am grateful. I have cleaned up, thrown out the trash in my life, made room for new, beautiful things to begin to fill the void the trash has left behind. Bad things happen for a reason. For me, it made me stop and rethink my life. I was given the opportunity to choose a new path, leave behind things I was done with, let go of what doesn't matter in my life, and gave me the opportunity to embrace a new dawn with an open mind.

Would I have believed

If you had asked me three years ago how I would have thought I felt today..., I think the answer would have been very far from where I am today. Two–three years ago I was far from being able to see any positive things coming out of what had happened, I only saw darkness.

With great help from especially Sunnaas Hospital and the Sunnaas Foundation and a bunch of amazing people I have met in recent years, and some amazing people who never gave up on me, who chose to stay and help me back, I have managed to change my mindset, see obstacles as opportunities, accept, let go, look up at the bright stars and keep moving forward. My wing is still broken, but I am flying... again!.

Only I can choose to get help

When you are in the darkest place in your life, you have a few options. You can choose to seek more darkness, you can stand still and wait for someone to turn on the light, you can start looking for the light. Only you can decide which option feels right for you.

I know when I stood in the dark three years ago, my first choice was to seek more darkness, it felt like the safest choice at the time. I feared the light, the few times someone else turned on the light it felt so strong it blinded me, it scared me, I couldn't control it, then the darkness was safer, it was warm, it felt comfortable and light.

But then I realized it was wrong, so slowly but surely I started looking for a dimmer so I could slowly start turning on the lights, controlling the intensity, and slowly but surely the light became safer, brighter, and more comfortable again.

Today I know that it was my choice to seek the light, I chose to control my own life, yes I have received a lot of help, and I chose to accept the help, I chose to listen, to learn, to use it, because I chose to want it.

If you want help or not, that's your choice, no one can or should force you, but if you choose help, you have to want it, you have to really want it..., believe me there is no easy way, it's hard work, but it worth it, so worth it, for me it change my life.

I'll leave you with this

I'll leave you with this: It's all about your mindset. You can overcome whatever you allow your mind to believe. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise, but it's all up to you. You are the only one who can do it. I'm not going to lie to you and say it's going to be easy, but believe me, it's worth it, so worth it. Every tear, pain, and hard work is truly worth it.

And I will repeat what I started to say. Today, knowing this, my life has become “much easier to navigate because I no longer blame myself for feeling different.” I accept being different, different is normal.

Have I changed? Yes I have, but haven’t we all? 

Is it over? No, not for me, I have a lot to learn, a lot is still uncertain. But I know that I will overcome the challenges that life will continue to bring my way. I believe in myself, I know who I am. I am me.

Thx for reading❤️, feel free to comment.