The very moment we are in a dark place is the time to do everything within our power to move forward one step at a time
The unknown story, the time from the incident in December 2021 until I arrived in Sunnaas in November 2024. This is the very beginning of my journey. It is about turning despair and shame into hope and faith, loneliness and emptiness into community and belonging.
In this story I will try to cover the time from my first incident in December 2021 until I arrived at Sunnaas Hospital late in November 2024. A period in my life where my head was full of questions I did not understand the answers to. Doubt and uncertainty, more darkness than light. A time for learning, learning how easy it is to make mistakes, misunderstandings, that nothing is certain, and that one must continue to fight.
When I started writing it, I wanted to tell it because I felt like I was somehow caught between two chairs in the healthcare system. After the incident in December 2021, they started examining my head to look for possible injuries. Today I know that they found traces of several minor strokes. Unfortunately, I was infected with corona between the end of December 2021 and the beginning of January 2022 and was seriously ill for about 6 to 8 weeks with corona, and probably because of the corona pandemic, the focus of my brain issue disappeared into the shadows of the pandemic.
Throughout the spring of 2022, the focus of my challenges shifted to being related to the aftermath of corona. And the incident from December 2021 and everything around it, the findings, the conclusions..., everything was suddenly forgotten, buried deep in the health archives.
I know a lot more now about what was going on in my head that fateful day in December 2021, and yes, I remember being told after a brain scan they performed in late December 2021 that they saw signs of a stroke, or as they put it, “scar tissue in the brain” related to minor strokes. At the time, I didn’t know what that meant or the implications of it. At the time, I was scheduled to see a neurologist to follow up on those results, but then I went down with corona, the time with neurologist was canceled and never rescheduled, probably my own fault, I should have asked for a new appointment when I recover from Corona...
It is easy today, when I look back on the 
knowledge and help I have received since I came to Sunnaas in November 2024, to be wise and blame myself for not understanding, for not remembering... At that time I didn't really know what a neurologist was or did, the word "cognitive challenges" was completely unknown to me. I actually thought that "cognitive" was about how you use your hands and fingers... yes, I know that at that time my knowledge of medical issues was more or less non-existent. The only "serious" health problem I have ever had to deal with was diabetes, so at that time I dealt with the fact that the healthcare system knows best and that I was in good hands..., but to their apology they are also only human, and humans make mistakes. So no hard feelings towards the healthcare professionals, I still think that they generally do a fantastic job, I have great respect for those who choose to work in this profession.
For my situation I can when I look back today understand that I felt between two chairs in a period where the world was in a bad place regarding all the "noise" and "challenges" around Corona pandemic.
The interesting thing is that when I started writing this part of my story, and looking back at my journal from that period with fresh eyes, everything changed, from despair and shame to hope and faith, loneliness and emptiness to community and belonging. Writing it down turned out to be a big part of my recovery process. I went from being angry at the healthcare system for failing me to forgive, angry at myself for not seeing or understanding what really happened, to accepting that anger doesn’t heal or change what happened. It has only hurt me more and blocked the healing process.
I have made peace with myself and dealt with a lot of what has happened. Went from asking why and what have I done wrong to deserve this, to accepting what has happened, putting the story behind me, knowing that I cannot undo what has happened, focusing on living life forward, embracing the beauty in life, seeing challenges as opportunities, letting go of what is not meant to be on the same path as me, opening up to the new dawn.
So when you read it, you understand this: it's not a dark story. I tell it to show that even in the darkest night, dawn will come. But forgiveness and acceptance are a big part of what makes dawn come, I know that today. For me personally, there are a ton of positive things that come with dawn, new incredible people, new relationships, new incredible opportunities, a lot of interesting knowledge that helps me live everyday life with a damaged brain in a good way, I embrace dawn in all its glory.
Over the past year, I have met and spoken with people in similar situations as me, who also have and are living with brain injury. Heard their stories,
and I know today that some of them, like me, also went far too long, struggling with various challenges as a result of "undiagnosed" brain injuries, and in addition lived with brain fatigue, without having shown or understood why we have had these health challenges, before we finally got help. So if anyone reading this feels like they recognize the challenges either in themselves or their loved ones, and have not received help, seek help, talk to a doctor, get checked and possibly get help. Unfortunately, there are dark figures here, people who have had undetected strokes, accidents that have resulted in undetected brain injuries.
It's a kind of like, if we could turn back time to when an incident happen and get the help needed in time, it may had change our life today.
My advice is that if you have or ever have, or suspect you have or have had, health issues, don't wait, or be afraid, or embarrassed to seek help. The ability to ask for help is not a sign of weakness, it's a sign of strength. Someone loves you❤️.
Ok so let me start by going back to that December day in 2021, where my story actually begins with I today now know probably was a stroke, or rather multi small strokes.
I have never before talked or been open about the time between the incident December 2021 (you can find info about it here) and until I arrived in Sunnaas in November 2024. That time has been, and a kind of, still are, difficult to talk about, especially the time between the episode in December 2021 and until the accident in May 2023.
This period was incredibly difficult in many ways because I felt like something wasn't right. I felt like I had somehow changed in many ways that I didn't fully understand. On the outside, everything looked more or less the same, but on the inside it was a completely different story. There was a kind of me that was always the same, but really wasn't. I was constantly tired, got tired very quickly, not physically, but mentally tired, struggled to concentrate, to focus, had problems when there was a lot of "noise", a lot of people around me. It felt like there were things in my memory that had disappeared, my abilities were not the same anymore.
It was during that period that I was told that there were "normal" long-term symptoms after being sick with corona, there was a lot of talk about what kind of long-term problems you can have after corona at the time. During that period, everyone had "forgotten" the brain problem I had from before I got corona, including myself, so I kind of accepted that it was right and that it would get better. It was a kind of waiting game.
And as mention, Today I know that I probably had some minor strokes that December day in 2021. And that is the cause of the challenges I had after. But its first now recently that I have been aware of that information. And I had a very bad round of Corona from January to late February 2022. So it was a complicated time that probably mix everything up.
During that time, I began to realize
that I had major challenges doing my job. The skills I used to have, the skills that have been the entire foundation of what I have achieved in my working career over the past 30 years, were no longer there. I could read documentation I had written in the past, which today I don't understand a word of.
Probably because I didn't know why it had become like that more or less overnight. I hide it from the outside world, I became someone else, I hide, use sick leave, work from home..., every trick in the book, which I have always despised as a leader. I hate myself, I was ashamed of who I was becoming. I learn to put on a smile, keep telling myself that it was "normal", long covid symptoms, and they will soon disappear, and I will be "normal" me again.
But the more I looked in the mirror, and all I saw were broken pieces, shattered everywhere. I realized I didn't know who I was anymore.
At that time I believed and felt that most of my identity was tied to my job, what I did. Today I think many fall into that trap, our careers become a dominant part of our lives, the pursuit of fame and fortune, that's what we see as a meaningful life.
So there where no scenario where I dare to admit to myself and especially to others that I was failing at my job, It would have hit my pride, my self-confidence pretty damn hard, so I choose to hide it.
Today I know that the assumptions are so wrong, at least for me. I am so much more, but yes I probably needed a hard stop to understand who I truly am, to find back to what a meaningful life is to me
Time passed, the year 2022 was over, and 
I felt like some things were going better. I reconnected with an old good friend, we went from being friends to a romantic relationship, so life smiled at me again. But the challenges I faced throughout 2022, followed me into 2023. I kind of started to realize that many of my "normal" abilities had changed and even disappeared. But asking for help was not a subject I saw on the table, it probably wasn't even in the house, so I keep finding ways to avoid admitting it, avoid talking about it wiht anyone, it drained me of energy and strength. I was confuse.
My self-confidence is taking a hit, shame has become a big part of my life, I was sinking, I felt like I was slowly drowning in bad thoughts in a sea of negative thoughts.
Early spring 2023 we was at a family party in Denmark, a very nice weekend, which was much needed after all the lockdown during the Corona era.
So I was really looking forward to that trip, it will change things I thought, I had a really nice lady by my side for the first time in a long time, we where to celebrate my brother's birthday, meet my family again after a long time of lockdown, so my hope for that trip was high
And yes, the weekend changed everything, but not in the way I had hoped. It turned out to be a weekend where I experienced enormous challenges, even though I was among people I knew well, the party ended up being a kind of disaster for me. I couldn't focus, concentrate among the many people, couldn't follow conversations, the "noise" just pounded down on me, I completely ran out of energy. I sat back in shock. Confused and terrified of what was wrong with me.
Next day turn out to be a long, long drive back home to Norway. I remember sitting in the car with my girlfriend and trying to talk about nothing, hoping she wouldn't see how I was feeling. All the chaos inside me.
So yes that weekend was a turning point, after I was back home in Norway I realize I needed help, I was so burnt out, I hid the rock bottom so hard. I knew that I need professional help.
I finally crawled to the cross and contacted my doctor. I remember sitting in his office, crying in despair, and telling him the whole story. He understood, and I accepted being off sick for four weeks as a start, which was good in some ways, but it also meant I had to start admitting the challenges I was facing to those closest to me. It turned out not to be that easy. I probably wasn’t good at telling people what I should have told them. I can look back today and understand that I probably made a lot of “mistakes” with people around me during that period of my life, until everything went horribly wrong, just a few weeks later, on May 19, 2023.
Today, with what I have learned during my stay at Sunnaas Hospital and in the time since, through camps with the Sunnaas Foundation, conversations with groups I am a part of, the people I have gotten to know through all of this. Is it relatively easy to see that there are many things I should have handled in a completely different way, that I have certainly hurt, treated some people terribly wrong, and if any of you who may feel that way are reading this, I apologize from the bottom of my heart, it was never proven or intentional. Not to excuse my actions in any way, but I didn't know, I was scared, scared of who and what I had become.
On May 19, 2023, I went for a short bike ride 
and ended up in the hospital with serious injuries. After that I cold not hide anymore, everyone knew I had been in a serious accident. I still remember the doctor's words when I walked into his office a couple of weeks later, and he looked at me: "This is going to take a long time..." were his very first words, today I finally realize the fact, he was absolutely right. At the time, my "version of a long time" was a few weeks, not the rest of my life. I spoke to him about that day a short while ago, and he told me that when he saw me and the injuries I had, he was pretty sure I had serious brain damage and it's not something you recover from over night.
Unfortunately, what was supposed to be the end of a bad story and the beginning of a new, hopefully better one, where I finally get help for a head injury, turned out to be wrong. Because I had a "history" of amnesia from December 2021, a bad corona "history" and was on sick leave due to "burnout" when the accident happened, I continued to lie between two chairs.
I ended up living on drugs for almost four months, happily in a drug rush. I didn't understand anything and did a lot of stupid things. I know today that walking around in a medical drug rush makes you feel like some kind of superman who can handle anything.
So, as I walk around in this drug-induced lethargy, I don't remember, or haven't been told, the facts about my injuries. I don't really know what's right or wrong. I was alone in the hospital most of the time after the accident, so yes, it's possible they told me things I didn't understand at the time. Looking back today with the knowledge I have of my injuries, it's easy to understand that it was pretty stupid to walk around and not stay in bed, which is what I should have done.
The hospital sort of “forgot” about me, so after a while my doctor started asking why they didn’t follow up with me and get me back in the system. Then they started testing me for memory problems related to the possibility of Alzheimer’s, as well as heart problems, to explain why I had lost consciousness. Without getting anywhere, the conclusion was no heart problems, no Alzheimer’s, so stop being a hypochondriac and pull yourself together, more or less the answer I got 10 months after the accident.
I started to think I was a hypochondriac, that I was a fraud, that I was lazy, that I was a really bad person, who cheated on everything and everyone. The hospital just said to me: there's nothing wrong with you!!! So everything I felt, everything I..., everything was just something I just spun out in my bad fantasies?. Nothing real...???
I fell apart during that time, I felt what I felt, but no one listened to me, no one believed in me, everything inside me was a big mess, who the f*ck am I, so I withdrew more and more into myself, afraid of who I had become, losing all faith in myself.
Most people couldn't see that what I really needed was help, or rather just a hug, that they dared to show up on my doorstep without me asking. Realized that I wasn't really myself at the time, that I needed them to remember who I used to be, to be able to see past my rejections, to understand that it wasn't about them this time, that I needed someone who was there and took the time to sit down and listen, without questions.
I don't expect people to have the right questions even not answers, to feel sorry for me, I don't expect anyone to understand, I just needed someone to be present, sorry to say but only a few did that, a very few.
They didn't give up on me, even when I gave up on myself, they didn't let themselves be rejected, they didn't let themselves be pushed away, even when I did everything to push them away, they understood that I was fighting a battle inside that no one could see, they showed that they cared about me, me as a person, a human being. Not because of what I've done, not as an asset, but for who I was on the inside, who I really was. They believed in me when I lost faith in myself.
When I look back today and try to understand why I became like this, I think it was because I was being evaluated for Alzheimer's and dementia, and not for a head injury, and the likelihood that I would have brain damage as a result of that. And the fact that I didn't really see what I was struggling with as related to Alzheimer's. I had Alzheimer's close up for a few years back when my father suffered from it before he past away.
My gut feeling says otherwise, but I felt alone with it, the healthcare system wouldn't listen to me, they saw me as a hypochondriac, I felt. To survive, I became a different person, I hide behind lies, behind smiles, pretending.
I pretended, yes, I did... went from being the strong, resourceful, successful, fixer-upper, in complete control of life, energy to always be there, a huge surplus of energy, the Duracell bunny. To suddenly realize that you are not all that anymore is far from easy. So yes I pretended for a long time. I was afraid for the truth, why?
I pretended it was all about the accident, and that what I was going through 
was related to it. Little did I know that it would eventually turn out to be true.
For almost a year, the doctors and the different specialists I went to focused on why I had lost my memory and fainted. So during that period, it was mostly about checking if I had Alzheimer's and dementia, not the fact that I had a traumatic head injury, which could have caused brain damage.
And all that time, I felt like I was wasting time in the health care system, they were doing what they thought was right, but no one was listening to me. I felt my personal doctor was the only one believing in me and keep fighting a battle with the healthcare, that I was close to give up on.
So pretending was something I became very good at, keeping the outside nice so that no one would ever see how bad it was on the inside. You know the big strong successful guy...
And finally a breakthrough, in late April 2024. My doctor, after fighting for me for a long time, had managed to get the hospital to refer me to a neuropsychologist to check for possible brain damage. For the first time, I heard that I might have cognitive challenges. He thought I had post-concussion syndrome, PCS, a long-term concussion resulting from the head injury I suffered in the accident in May 2023.
After that, my doctor was pretty clear that I needed to get to Sunnaas Hospital for help, so he started the process of getting me there, and at the end of June I was finally interviewed by a neurologist-psychologist from Sunnaas to assess the possibility of getting help from them. Late in August I was notified that I had been approved for a stay at Sunnaas Hospital's cognitive rehabilitation department, starting in late November 2024.
For the first time since December 2021, I felt trusted. That feeling is hard to describe, but yes, it took some time to shake off the thought of Alzheimer's, and to start accepting or believing that I was actually suffering from a brain injury, and have cognitive challenges related to it. And there may be help to get..., after that phone call from Sunnaas I just collapse on the floor and lay down and cried for a while. I could breathe again.
From August 2024 to November 2024, things 
started to brighten up a bit. Knowing that I was heading to Sunnaas somehow gave me the strength to start fighting again. I bought an eMTB bike and got back on my wheels in the mountains. Life felt a little easier in the months before I arrived in Sunnaas on November 26, 2024. Although I still doubt what they will be able to do to help me recover.
So from November it's all downhill in the sunshine..., or maybe not completely😁, but now a good year after Sunnaas I can say that the time after my stay at Sunnaas, compared to the time before, feels like a smooth downhill in the warm sunshine with the wind at my six.
The journey from that December day in 2021 to November 2024 was long and demanding. When I finally can start think back on that time and what has happened during that time, it is with mixed emotions, mostly sadness over why I had to go through all this before someone chose to believe in me, to trust me, to see me as a person and not just another epicrisis that needs to be closed as soon as possible, and sadness about who and what I have lost during that period. But also joy about who I have met during that time, those who dared to see and challenge the inner without caring about the outer, gratitude to Sunnaas Hospital and the Sunnaas Foundation, there amazing staff that see the person and cares.
I am well on my way to processing it all and am positive about my new future..., most of the time, but yes, sometimes I fall down the rabbit hole, looking back, then I need to pull back to a bee alone. I have learned it is okay to do that, it is okay to cry and feel sad from time to time, remember that you are only human.
I am so grateful for the few who never gave up on me, the ones who stood by my side when most didn't. Without them, I'm not sure where I would be today. They were the guiding stars in my darkness. Today I am almost back in a safe haven, and I will forever be so incredibly grateful for the help and strength they gave me when I needed it most. I can only hope that one day I can repay them in some way🫶, Thank you so much, you are the stars ❤️ Jørn
No, it is not the end of my journey. Although I arrive at safe harbor, and yes, I am back on dry land with the hope that I can now continue my journey on solid ground, using everything I have learned throughout my life to define the path for the next chapter of my life's journey.
I got this!!!
I have been through some big changes in my life, I have chosen and choose to be open about what I have been through and share my experiences in the hope that it can inspire and help others. I am a positive person with a focus on living healthy, thinking positively, living life by looking forward and letting what lies behind be as educational experiences.
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