Self-Esteem, tips and hacks

What is self-esteem?

Ok let me start by trying explain what self-esteem is:

Self-esteem is how you evaluate your individual worth and value as a person. In other words, it’s all about how you perceive yourself. Whether or not you stop to explore it, you likely have strongly opinions and beliefs about yourself. These can be both in a positive way and or in a negative way. Whatever they are eithe positve or negative, those opinions and beliefs have a large influence on how you live your life and interact with other people.

Self-esteem sometimes overlaps with related concepts, such as:

Mastery. This is confidence in your decision-making and your abilities to learn and grow.

Self-respect. This is a belief in your value as a person as well as your right to be happy, comfortable, and assert your needs and wants.

What is your level of self-esteem?

Healthy self-esteem means you’re aware of your faults, but you still like and accept yourself. You don’t see yourself as superior or inferior to other people. You’re confident in your ability to cope with change and endure setbacks. You also believe in your right to be happy and assert your needs. If you have healthy self-esteem, you’re able to be expressive, admit mistakes, and cooperate with others.

Low self-esteem is when you see yourself as inferior to others. This perception can make you more defensive or less confident. Or maybe you always feel desperate to “prove” yourself. You lack confidence in your ability to handle setbacks, and as a result, you can be rigid and afraid of change.

Excessive self-esteem is also a possibility. This involves arrogance and a sense of entitlement. You see others as beneath you, so you’re overly critical of their flaws and tend to overlook your own weakness.

While your self-esteem is subjective, it can influence your behavior. It can affect how you act, and, in turn, your actions can affect your beliefs about yourself. For instance, if you have low self-esteem, you might decide to give up on a difficult project. This only reinforces your belief that you’re a “quitter” or “incompetent.” However, if you have high self-esteem, you might persevere and build confidence.

With low self-esteem, you may allow others to show you a lack of respect. You feel inferior, and therefore you tolerate situations and relationships that tear you down. With high self-esteem, you tend to seek healthier and more nourishing situations and relationships.

If you have a negative view of yourself, know that you can do something about it, you can adjust your inner opinions and beliefs. Doing so requires reflection and effort, but the results can be life-changing.

Does anything here sound familiar? It did to me. Before my accident, I think my self-esteem was pretty good. I would rate it as healthy self-esteem before and after, on the low end of low self-esteem. What about you?

Importance of self-esteem

The importance of self-esteem should not be underestimated. It affects almost every aspect of your life, including your mental health, relationships, physical health, and your ability to do even the smallest things in your daily life. It can drain your energy and will to live.

Signs of low self-esteem

Signs of low self-esteem can manifest in many ways. Here are some of the ways I experience it:

• I was easily discouraged.
• I underestimate my ability to get things done.
• I did negative self-talk, talking myself down.
• I had difficulty accepting compliments or acknowledging my own achievements.
• I didn't nurture or follow through on my own creative ideas, if I even got ones.
• I became extremely rigid because I didn't trust myself to adapt to new circumstances. I was terrified of failing in most areas.
• I was concerned with how other people viewed me, and very dependent on their approval. I was afraid to be myself.

A little of reasons of low self-esteem

All sorts of factors can affect your self-esteem. For me today, I know that my brain injury, and the cognitive challenges I have because of it, are the main cause, and I've learned now that it's kind of a normal thing after a trauma with a brain injury, it's one of the common things that we share.

It was important for me to understand why I suddenly started having low self-esteem so that I could start the process of finding a better self-esteem again. I'm still working on understanding it, but I'm on my way. Today I would say that some of the reasons why my self-esteem ended up on the low side are probably due to:

• I was not able to do my job, my abilities that I needed for doing what I use to do disappeared, and after a while I lost my job.
• Based on the above statment I lost my economic stability.
• Lost my identity. Didn't really understand who I was after my accident. I believe a lot of my identity was close connected to my work abilities.
• Along with losing my job, my financial stability disappeared, and with it many of my dreams and expectations for the future disappear to.
• Losing friendships, yes, probably because of everything that happened, many friends disappeared too.
• And in the end, losing my capacity, my energy and abilities.

For me when I look back I would say that these are the main reason I started to doubt on my self, the main reason to ending up with a low self-esteem. Knowing and sort of accepting these facts was the first step on the road to rebuilding my self-confidence, so something good will come of it.

But it would have been incredibly good to have known this before it all started.😁

How to improve self-esteem

So now on to what I have done and continue to do to improve my self-confidence, and some tips that may help you too.

So first bullet point.

Building self-esteem involves changing the way you talk to yourself, think about yourself, and care for yourself. And the goals you set for yourself and the people you surround yourself with can also play a role in overcoming low self-esteem. 

I learned the last part pretty quickly, finding people who will really support me, my cheerleading squad. That was an important part for me, they help me be kind to myself, they don't demand or expect anything from me, just encourage me to be present. The first big step to raise me up again.

Tip 1: Practice positive self-talk

For me, it's the little voice in my head that often judges me and my experiences. The inner dialogue that is overly critical or only focuses on the bad things I do is negative self-talk.

Negative self-talk is more influential than you think. It often translates into unhealthy or unproductive behaviors. If you don’t think your opinion matters, you might fail to speak up for yourself. You may believe that you’re unlovable, so you self-sabotage a relationship or decide not to pursue a romantic interest.

So I start practicing catching myself in negative self-talk. To do that, I started by familiarizing myself with common “cognitive distortions,” the negative thinking patterns that can almost feel automatic.

Here are some examples of what cognitive distortions are:

• Catastrophizing involves expecting the worst-possible outcome. (“What if I fail this test? I’ll eventually fail the class and become a dropout. My entire life will be ruined.”)
• Overgeneralization involves making broad assumptions using limited evidence. (“All of my friends will eventually get bored with me and leave.”)
• Polarized thinking is when you have an all-or-nothing mindset. (“If I can’t figure this task out, I might as well quit and get lost.”)

When I catch myself saying something negative about myself, I challenge it. And I ask myself:

• "Is there any evidence to support this thought? Could it be false or exaggerated?"
• “Is there another, more likely, scenario that I'm overlooking? or not understand?”
• "Do I really believe that? Or do I need to stop and think again?"

I also try reframing my negative thinking with something more neutral or positive. “I’m stupid for making that mistake,” can become, “I’m imperfect and I can learn from this mistake.” “I won’t recover from loosing my job,” can turn into, “Now is a chance for me to refocus on myself, doing what I want ”

Tip 2: Acknowledge your strengths

When I was at my lowest self-esteem, I often focused on my weakest traits. So I counteract this by making a list of my strengths. (Yes, I got some help with that list from a very good friend😇.) A bit back to my first point suround you with the right people❤️.

I started by thinking back on my past accomplishments. Then I started by making a list of those accomplishments. These weren't the biggest accomplishments I've ever done, they included feats that no one really noticed, like sticking to a weekly workout routine or giving up dessert after dinner. But also include some bigger obstacles I've overcome, like dealing with a sugar addiction, quitting smoking, changing my lifestyle to adapt to living with diabetes, losing 50 kg over two years.

My good friend helped me by reminding me of achievements from my job, winning an award that has required hard work to achieve, how to build successful relationships that require good communication skills and a willingness to find the right compromises.

So the list of my strengths grew as I really started to change my mindset. This is a really good way to help shift focus from what you not can do, to what you can do, forcing you mind to be positive.

Finally, I go back to my list when I'm feeling a little down. I pull out the list and review it, reminding myself of what I've accomplished, my strengths. And I keep adding things to the list every time I accomplish something new.

Tip 3: Build competence

Okay, so now we've talked about what it is, how to talk nicely to yourself, how to recognize your strength. So the next thing is how to start building it back up. For me, it was about taking small steps to build competence, having small victories, so that I could constantly remind myself that I was moving in the right direction.

First, I accept that my qualities and abilities are not just fixed or predetermined for certain things. But change is possible through perseverance and effort. At the same time, I begin to change my mindset to be open to constructive feedback, to see it as positive feedback that I can grow from.

So what did I do?

Step One; I made a list of general skills I wanted to develop. The list started, of course😁, with getting back on my bike and accepting that I would have to lower my expectations of my cycling skills in order to learn how to ride again. Next, I wanted to develop better filmmaking and photo editing skills. Learn to fly a drone to make drone videos. 

Next, I started making a list of resources I needed, such as research I needed to do on: Types of e-bikes, tools and skills for film and photo editing, how to fly a drone, types of drones. More hardcore: buy an e-bike, GoPro camera, drone. The list you make can also include reaching out to others for help and guidance.

Because of, I realize I will never be able to return to work. I am focusing on finding a skill in hobbies. Building self-esteem around being good in that area. Building a good self-esteem is a lot about being good in somethings, must people need that feeling, to be able to say both to yourself and out loud, I'm good at this!!!.

But do you get the point? You can use the same way of thinking if you goal is to get back to work life or anything else.
Make a list of what you want to accomplish, the resources you need to do it, move you focus from what you can not, to what you can, but in small steps. 

Tip 4: Set realistic goals

Next is setting goals this is an important step in growing as a person. However, goals that are simply unachievable can be counterproductive and drag you down rather than boost your self-esteem. Here is some tips to help you create realistic goals.

Think about what is possible, but don't demand perfection. Remember that consistency is more important than perfection. There's nothing wrong with challenging yourself, but remember to acknowledge your limitations. You can aim to improve your skills, but you shouldn't expect to become a pro overnight. Start small and succeed, rather than go big and fail.

And again, take small steps. If you're trying to reach a big goal, try breaking it down into smaller, easier sub-goals. As you achieve each small goal, you'll gain a little more confidence. Remember: How do you get an elephant through a keyhole? By breaking it down into small pieces😀.

Make learning the objective. Even if you fall short of your goal, look for takeaways rather than being too hard of yourself. Choose to view mistakes and setbacks as learning opportunities. What worked? What can you do differently next time?

Celebrate yourself. Even small signs of progress are worth noting. Maybe you crash your drone on your first flight, but you mustered up the courage to try flying it. And you probably learn something, just like me, when I crash mine. Take that lesson as a victory. And try again. Not perfection, but repetition, consistency, celebrations.

Tip 5: Prioritize self-care

Now for my favorite, self-care. People who truly value themselves also make time for themselves. By taking the time to do some of these activities, you can help reinforce the idea that you are worthy of self-love.

• Make it a habit to journal. I did, and it has been a huge help to me. Journaling can be a quick and easy act of self-compassion. It allows you to acknowledge and reflect on painful experiences, or it can focus your attention on the good in your life. Experiment with different journaling tasks so you can explore your feelings and identify ways to grow. This is a point I would say that probably helped me the most in my process, and it still does. It helps me go back and see where I was and how I’ve made progress, build my confidence, celebrate my small and big victories.
• Practice mindfulness. Not my favorite yet😁, but after being on Sunnaas and try practicing it, I see that its helps. The practice of being present and nonjudgmental—may help improve low self-esteem. Mindfulness can help you practice self-acceptance and steer you away from excessive worrying.
• Get active. Whether it's in the form of solo training or team sports, physical activity can boost your self-confidence. You may end up feeling stronger or more capable. Exercise is known to be good at improving your mood. But don't forget that rest is just as important as being active.
• And last but not least – be kind to your body. In addition to exercise, your body also needs sleep and nutritious food. When you aim to improve your sleep quality and eat a balanced diet, you may notice that your mood and the way you feel about yourself also begin to change.
  You can read about how I learned to live a healthier life here at jahous.com

Tip 6: Surround yourself with positive influences

And last, back to another of my strong bullet points. Your relationships with others can have a strong influence on how you see yourself. Here are some of my tips and experiences on how to cultivate and maintain healthy relationships.

Take note of how you feel after spending time with people. Do any of them seem to leave you feeling emotionally drained? Do any of them seem to consistently put you down—perhaps even without meaning to? If so, consider finding healthier friends and social connections.

Spend time with people who share your values. This doesn’t mean you need to agree with them on every issue. However, agreeing on core beliefs can create a sense of understanding and belonging that boosts your self-esteem. One way to find like-minded individuals is to look for rewarding volunteer opportunities. Many people experience a boost in self-esteem from volunteering and helping others.

Talk to others about self-esteem. Share some of your internal beliefs and opinions with trusted friends, family members or forums. You’ll likely find that the people around you have their own stories and struggles to share about self-worth. Build each other up by sharing what you like and admire about each other. Help each other grow as you enjoy shared hobbies and pursue new creative outlets together.

Be direct when asking for help. Yes, I know this is probably one of the hardest points. If you have low self-esteem, you may be using indirect methods of seeking support, such as sulking, instead of simply asking for help. Other people in your life, whether they are friends or partners, may react negatively, such as withdrawing from you, which only makes things worse. Its is highly importan to work on improving your communication skills so that others can better understand you and your needs. No one, no one can read your mind.

Set boundaries. Even if the people around you are uplifting, it's still important to establish and maintain boundaries. You can ask people to avoid contacting you at certain times of the day, or ask people to avoid bringing up uncomfortable topics, being clear that you need love, not war, in your life. By setting boundaries, you practice voicing your needs and moving away from people-pleasing behaviors.

Here is a short story about letting go: Growing apart and growing together

Seek professional help

Low self-esteem is often associated with several mental health problems, so I would recommend seeking professional help as well. I have received a lot of professional help, both from my stays at Sunnaas Hospital, being at camps with the Sunnaas Foundation, being part of a forum with others who suffer from brain injuries, going to a psychologist, talking to some good friends and family. And I belive that without all the help I have received, I would still struggle so much more with what I do today, and in addition, I might have had a good starting point, because of my experience as a manager and trainer for my employees during my time in the workforce, where I worked a lot with building people and teams. So don't underestimate the help you can get from professionals and the right people around you.

Final thoughts

My final thoughts, los of self-esteem can appear overnight. For me it did, it hit me after my brain injury. Today I know this is true for others too. Unfortunately, the process of finding it again is a much longer and more demanding process, and requires a long-term commitment. And yes, it is hard work for you. For example, it is much easier to fall back on old and negative habits and continue with negative self-talk, instead of building positive habits and strengthening positive self-talk. So, again and again, surrounding yourself with the right people in your life, letting go of those who are not part of your cheerleading squad and don't be afraid to seek profesional help, is extremely important to achieving success. Celebrating all, as in all, small and big victories, and shouting out loud “I did it, I succeeded…” is a must!!! Remember, the world is a much better place with you in it, you matter!!!. With love🫶